Worry as motivation?

It's been quite the last month.  The work I've been doing has been enough to keep me afloat and pay my bills, but has not been enough to pay off credit cards or work on a savings.  Since I started my own business 2.5 years ago, I've been more relaxed and things always have had a way of working out money wise.  This month I find myself shifting more into the realm of worry.  What is the worrying about?  Well, I don't have enough scheduled work this month or next month to be able to pay my bills.

For me, it seems like a constant friction between faith and worry.  Faith got me this far in my journey and I feel like worry may be doubting that faith.  Is it?  Or is worry helping to light a fire under me to motivate me to do something different?  Maybe it isn't about avoiding the worry, but to learn what the worry is about?  Is it coming from the past, present, or future?  Am I worried because of what has happened in the past that could repeat itself now, or am I worried about the unknown of the future or is this worry linked to my intuition in the present that says, it's time to take action?

I think in this case, I feel like it's time to take action for future work.  It may or may not solve the immediate need for money to pay my bills, but it may help me in the future with new work.

If anyone is thinking about starting their own business or breaking out on their own, it's a huge lesson on getting more comfortable with the unknown and constant networking.

It is not for the faint of heart, but is so rewarding when it works out.  It's like the Yin and Yang or the ups and downs of life. I experience each one almost every day.

Parfait anyone?

Like Shrek said, "I'm an onion. I have layers." Donkey replied, "Why an onion? Why not a Parfait? People like Parfaits."

I've been thinking recently about the layers of emotions that happen when we are under stress. I was teaching a course this week on change management and asked people what emotions they have in the midst of change.

Some responses were:
Fear
Anxiety
Confusion
Frustration
Anger
Sadness
Excitement
Relief

I wonder if it's about peeling back the layers of emotions. Does fear lead to anxiety, then to frustration and anger? Relief triggers body responses like crying and relaxed muscles? Vice versa, if I relax my muscles and cry, I am relieved. I'm curious to know how many layers of emotions and body responses exist for different situations?

Where did we get the idea that bigger is better?

Watching Dr. Oz last week, I was struck by the impact of the messages that we receive in Western society that more is better and bigger is better, yet we criticize and are disgusted by people who are overweight and bigger than others and reward people to eat less when they are presented more.  Sounds like a mixed message. 

Dr. Oz interviewed obese women and offered to provide help psychologically and physically to get them closer to healthy.  I was facinated by a few commonalities among these women. 

1. They all have absent fathers
2. They all have received messages growing up that led them to believe they were worthless

What leads people to believe these messages of unworthiness?  Why do some people use food as a way of filling that void while others use alcohol/drugs, exercise, people, shopping, etc.  Other interpretations of messages might also be "I'm not enough" or "No one loves me". 

Weight gain/loss is not the only result of those thoughts but decisions on what environment we choose to work and live in.  Even if you are not overweight, what other things might you be seeking to fill a void in your life? 

Are we all seeking to fill a void?  Are some outward results and behaviors more acceptable in our society than others?

What race are you running?

What is the race you want to run and what type of runner would you like to be or become?

About 5 years ago, I noticed that I was running unconsciously.  My walking pace was always fast from place to place, even around the office.  I found myself taking shallow breaths throughout the day and rarely taking a deep breath.  I also noticed that I wouldn't stop for very long to talk to people or notice the journey along the way.  I got medical check ups that also showed the 'race'.  My blood pressure over 10 years steadily increased to the point that I needed high blood pressure medication at age 28. It wasn't until I left my job after 13 years and was diagnosed with Shingles, that I knew that my body was screaming at me to change.

At the time, I thought, "I just left my job and my relationship with my boyfriend, isn't that enough change?"  What dawned on me was that stress is cumulative over time and the outcome or result isn't instantaneously related to a change or stress.  Also, stress isn't going to go away.  Life is stressful and waiting for the stress to go away is just waiting all of your life for something that will never come.  All I have influence over is how I process my stress and the strategies I use to deal with stress.  Ignoring it was no longer an option.

During these economic times, how are you managing your stress?  What is contributing to your stress: bills, job, family, responsibility, the "should's", the "I can'ts", health?

My vision now is to become resiliant, grounded, flexible, and strong in all aspects of my life: job, family, health (mental, physical, and emotional), finances.

Emotions: Good or Bad???

It seems that the pressures of today's work environment there seem to be more emotional reactions.  What causes people to "go postal"?  Emotions are not rational, yet people still need an answer to the basic question of why?  We want to find some rational reason to justify the emotion. 

I even have rationally labeled my emotions as 'good' or 'bad'.  I venture to say that all emotion is neutral, neither good or bad, however, what we choose to do as a result of that emotion could be categorized as good or bad.  Emotions are emotions.  When we get swept away by that emotion is when we forget about our surroundings and any potential impact that we have on others. 

Recently, I was given feedback that I smile a lot and it can be misleading for others.  That led me to think about my judgements about my own emotions.  Here is a list of some emotions and behaviors associated with those emotions:

Happy (smiling, laughing, joking)

Joy (smiling, relaxed)

Sad (crying, pain)

Anger (hitting, tense, criticizing, frustration)

Fear (run away, silence, frozen)

I realized that I tend to put the lable of 'good' on the Happy and Joy emotions and the label of 'bad' on the Sad, Anger, and Fear emotions.  May have something to do with the fact that I tend to smile and joke to avoid the 'bad' emotions.  The only problem is that avoidance only lasts so long and then that emotion explodes whether I like it or not. 

What messages have you received about emotions so far in your life?



Authenticty and Emotions

I attended a special interest group last week and the subject was Authentic Leadership and the author of the book, "Do You Dare to be Yourself", Andreas Dudas led our discussion. 

He gave us some distinctions between Authenticity, Integrity, and Selfishness in leadership.  Authenticity has elements of both Integrity and Selfishness, but adds the aspect of respecting others around you.

This got me thinking about my questions around emotions.  Is there any emotion that is not authentic?  There certainly is emotion that may be perceived as 'misplaced' or inappropriate for the situation, but does that make it inauthentic?  I often hear from managers that they have had experiences with people who "use emotions to manipulate them or the situation."  Based on Dudas' definition of Authenticity, does an emotional response appear selfish or inauthentic if it isn't respectful of others around you?

In my experience, when I have had an emotional response, I tend to go in one of two directions.  I either try and mask the emotion through jokes or redirecting the conversation (which may respect the people around me, but seems inauthentic and just avoids the true emotion) OR I get swept away by the emotion (which is a true emotion, but effects me and the people around me). 

What strategies are available to me to still have that true emotion AND honor myself and those around me at the same time?

Re-thinking organizations

I recently read this article about the human side of business and how in all industries, companies are having to re-invent themselves and re-think what has worked in the past and innovate into the needs of the future. 
http://www.fastcodesign.com/1669988/5-keys-to-building-a-business-that-doesnt-bury-the-humans-at-its-core

Working with organizations, some buzz words that I hear are things like "sustainability", "endurance", and "profitability". In these economic times, when organizations are under stress, they react more than respond to the changes.  Some make quick changes like a tearing off a band aid, closing their eyes, and hoping for the best.  Others are trying to ignore changes and hoping things will turn around soon. 

Ultimately, change is the "unknown" and "not knowing" part of business.  We can't predict as much as we want to, what will happen.  Unfortunately, many times, the people become the first to be impacted and the last to know why. 

I remember working in a corporation and being overwhelmed with emotion (crying) in meetings with my managers about what seemed to be mundane things and wondering why I was getting so upset about it?  I was confused and concerned about the way it looked to my managers and to the company.  So much so, that I think it may have perpetuated that emotion.  Now that I am an independent consultant, I have realized that I don't have that same reaction in meetings or talks with manager or colleagues.  Why?  Was it the environment that I was reacting to?  Was it all the rapid change that was happening in the organization?  New expectations, fear of losing my job, fear of not being able to live up to expectations?

What do people need in times of change?  Empathy, honesty (straight forwardness), testing assumptions, laying out the facts, and defining parameters for action (What can I do and what can't I do?)

Taking action is leading to the unknown, scary, non-predictable place and to truly living your life.  In the same vane, organizations that face the fear dead on and be centered and calm in the process gives them access all the options for taking action to make an informed decision. 

What are you saying 'Yes' to?

As a new entrepreneur, I struggle with many things that I didn't have to experience in a corporate environment.  How do I price my services, for instance?  As a coach, trainer, and facilitator, knowing how to initially price services based on industry and my experience has felt like a moving target.  I just negotiated a contract with a corporation and afterwords felt like I could have asked for more money.  My confidence is directly related to my rate, I've noticed.  If I am feeling especially confident, I price myself high, but if I am feeling like my work is under appreciated or it's an area I haven't worked in before, then I tend to price myself low.  It's definitely a journey.

Something that I do think I'm good at as an entrepreneur is not to just accept every offer that comes my way.  There is a tendency in the beginning to want to take every piece of work that is thrown at me.  I received some really great advice from one of my mentors.  She said that if I operate from a place of 'abundance versus lack' then the right opportunities will come my way.  I have turned down some jobs that I felt like would be taking a step back in my career in hopes that another opportunity would come my way.  And, so far, that has been the case.  When I say 'no' to one opportunity, I am saying 'yes' to something else.  It's also worked in my personal life.  When I had to make the tough decision to end a start up business last year, I was standing my ground to say that I didn't want to go any further or get in further debt than I already had, I was saying 'yes' to focusing back on my training and coaching business.  That other business was taking time and energy away from what I loved.  Even though, it was a great experience and I learned a lot, I realized how much I do enjoy developing people and helping others achieve their best. 

By saying 'yes' to that business, meant that I was saying, 'no' for the moment to building my other business.  Was that really what I wanted?

Recently, I stepped out into the dating scene again and the same has become true for me.  The men that I have said 'no' to have allowed me to say 'yes' to someone else who more closely matches my needs and wants.

How often throughout this journey I have had to refocus on my goals versus taking what is immediately available.  What are you saying, 'yes' to?

No, Yes, Maybe....

I heard a quote this weekend that really resonated with me, "Hearing a 'no' doesn't mean an end, but the beginning of an interesting conversation."  In terms of having my own business, this completely made sense to me.  If I take a 'no' at face value, what opportunities might I be missing out on?  It's along the same lines as looking for possibilities in situations versus limitations.  In my journey to losing weight and getting fit, I struggle with the feeling of limitations and many times succumb to the voice of 'I can't' versus looking for ways of saying 'how can I?'.  The journey of pushing myself to my limit seems to go against all I have learned in terms of managing risks and being cautious. 

There are so many parallels to my journey of building a business and building a new body.  When does your internal talk limit you?  How do I pay down debt, save money, and pay all of my bills?  I might as well say, "How do I watch what I eat, exercise, and work full time?"  Things don't have to be 'either/or' to succeed.  It seems to be the longer journey and the small steps leading to a goal that shows me how I can overcome my self talk.  It's a daily struggle or a daily opportunity in terms of how I view it to succeed.

A friend says that challenges make you decide how bad you want your goal.  I think that is a great way of looking at it and a good thing to remind myself next time I get ticked off at all the blockades,  gain weight when I know I have been good, or nurse a knee injury or sickness.

It seems that the way we look at our experiences is directly related to the happiness of that experience.

Making changes

I see friends and people around me racing to get from A to B, rushing to be promoted, anxious to know and predict the future or hurrying to be settled. What settles us is not a destination, but a way of being. Being truly present and daring to live this life fully is riding the current no matter what rocks and debris come along in our path, no matter what rapids and swirling eddies come our way.  Sometimes it feels like we don't have any control and life is just a series of chaotic events. There are a few things, however, that I know I can have control over such as my reactions and responses to situations and events.  I gain access to options when I am calm and centered versus racing to do something. I think clearer and breathe differently when I am centered.  When I stop mindlessly doing and start intentionally 'being', I create space for options. 

When I was diagnosed with Shingles in 2010 after a long period of stress at work and a break up of a relationship, I realized that I needed to take control of how I manage my stress.  In the past, I accessed strategies of eating too much to comfort myself or withdrawing from friends to cope with life's stresses.  Those didn't seem to work anymore, and I don't know if they ever did.

I chose to start running to get in shape and manage stress.  I was 90 pounds overweight and wasn't even sure how my body was going to react to running.  I remembered that I used to like running in high school, so why not try it again? Only this time, I wanted the more immediate goal to be, "I don't want to get injured."  Being 37 years old, I didn't think my body would respond or recover like it used to.

I downloaded a running schedule called the "Couch to 5K" from the Internet and decided to start training myself to run.  When I started, I could barely run 1 minute without being out of breath.  After about a month, I had worked up to running 5 minutes without stopping and needed something else to keep me motivated and to push me further.  So, I signed up for a Running 101 course through a local running store.

I kept a very slow pace and learned more about my body.  When I felt my stomach cramp up, I found out that I was pushing myself too hard.  When I hadn't had enough water during the day, I found that my body was stiff and lethargic.  When I got enough protein in my diet and sleep at night, I had more energy and could sustain my run longer. 

First 5K of 2011

At the end of the 101 class, I ran 24 minutes without stopping.  It was amazing!  How could someone 90 pounds overweight be able to change their endurance that quickly?  In only 3 months? I made another decision to enroll in 5K races in 2011.  Originally, I was intending to do one a month.  I ended up with 6 total for the year. I started to lose some weight, but my joints were hurting.  My left foot started cramping and feeling like I had strained my arch and my knees started feeling sore.  I slowed down and took it easy, but didn't give up on my journey.  Instead, I decided I needed to change my eating habits, so that I would lose weight quicker and be better to my joints.  I joined Weight Watchers in October 2011.

The pounds started coming off and I was cross training in the gym--lifting weights and riding the stationary bike. By March 2012, I have lost 50 pounds.  I ran my first full 5K in February without walking or stopping.  I have another 40 pounds to lose, so I'm over 1/2 way there. 

February 2012

What control can you have in your life?  What would create a lifestyle change and give you access to new choices and options?  What can release you from the rushing and anxiety even if it's for only a few minutes a day?

Air Pockets

Have you ever tripped over your own feet and wondered how that happened?  I think there are air pockets hidden from view that give us a jolt back into the present moment.  Some air pockets are bigger than others in life.  Major events or crisis that define our next move in life, unexpected downturns when we wanted success. It's not as much about the events, but how we handle them and learn from them.  I started a second business last year that seemed like a fantastic opportunity and now it's ending.  There are so many lessons and legal aspects to starting a business that one misguided move can cause a lot more pain later, like law suits and failures.

I've realized more about myself as I manage and navigate this air pocket. 

1. Life still goes on
2. I asked a question a year ago, "How do you stay present and make future plans?"  Is it possible to have both?  Well, I'm getting LOTS of practice with that duality right now.  A friend mentioned that the key is hope for something more. 
3. Catastrophyzing is a part of the process for me.  I need time to brainstorm the worst case scenerios and the "What if's" and then talk to friends and loved ones to help me ground my assumptions and take action on the important ones.
4. Ultimately, there is very little that I have control of aside from my own responses and reactions to a situation
5. Surrounding myself with people who support and guide me versus cause more anxiety and worry
6. Finding an activity to help manage stress for the long term.  I started running to get in shape and joined Weight Watchers to lose weight and eat healthier.  It has made all of the difference and gives me something else to focus on that is successful
7. Creating play in my life to laugh and really put the event in perspective. Read books that have nothing to do with what I am going through.  The Hunger Games was perfect!
8. Attending a half day meditation workshop, which forced me to deal with emotions and challenged me to truly stay in the moment and accept what was happening versus resisting.  Through this process I've learned that as humans we have emotion and occasionally we allow the emotion to have us.
9. Spending time reflecting in between activities.  My mom always told me to not underestimate the power and time for reflection. I believe now that that's where my strength is coming from
10. Taking the situation seriously, but not myself.  I may think I'm the most important person in my world, but realizing there are others around me who view things differently.  I'm not as self important as I think.

How do you handle major life stresses?  Is there a time you ever let those emotions take over and rule your world?

Redefining Leadership

Being a leader seems to boil down to a few things, leading through others, having a commanding yet relationship presence, and being authentic in body, mind, and emotion.  I've been working with leaders and managers for over 10 years; training courses in the people side of management and leadership.  There is a reprogramming of behavior that seems to be needed when making that transition in organizations.  Up until mid-level management, staff across the board are told that emotion doesn't belong in the workplace and that emotion should be controlled at all times otherwise you will be seen as unprofessional or crazy.  When did emotion become evil? 

In my experience, the more I tried to contain my emotion, the more I exploded.  The pressure cooker analogy is appropriate here.  Yet, I was often sought out in my job as a mentor and as someone who was empathetic and effective with others who had strong emotion.  Interestingly enough, what I have learned is that being a successful manager and leader is not done in the absence of emotion or in a controlled environment, but in managing moment to moment the changing conditions and unexpectedness of others emotions and changing job requirements.

There is a level of acceptance and consciousness of yourself that is required in effective leaders.  If I accept my faults and strengths and am conscious of when I am oparating in each, then I have access to more choices and decisions versus a blind reaction.  Leaders need to be able to show human-ness to their organizations.  Show that they do have faults, however, they know how to navigate through failure and bruised relationships more successfully. 

Can a leader be a leader when no one is following?