Turning 35!

I just celebrated my 35th birthday and had a fabulous time. It became a weekend event. I went out on Friday night for happy hour that turned into a late night. I got my hair cut and darkened and love it! On Saturday night, I invited friends to go bowling and enjoyed it immensely. On Sunday, my actual birthday, I slept in and took a long walk for brunch and took a nap in the afternoon. All in all, it was a well balanced weekend.

Like every year, I set a new intention or theme for the next year. Last year, my theme was "Fearless" and consequently I dealt with a lot of fearful things.


This year, I have a few top picks:

Pleasure
Lightness
Acceptance


The jury is still out and will decide in a few weeks.


It's also a good time to reflect on the last year's accomplishments and learning. Here's my Top 10 list:

10. Finished my Coaching certification through Newfield Network
9. Attended a weekly yoga classes at Journeyoga.net
8. Realized that having emotion is not the same as the emotions having me
7. Designed and sold some pieces of my jewelry
6. I went out on dates and am still looking...
5. Re-decorated my back deck with flowers and a sectional couch
4. Made themed onesies for all of my pregnant friends (8 women)
3. Bonded with a horse named Allegro
2. Sometimes when there are too many directions to go in, the best thing to do is stand still
1. Scrabble on Facebook is sooooo addictive!

Is there ever an unbiased survey?

So, I am filling out this survey for work about generational differences, and at one point it asks me,
What is your status?
A. Single/divorced/widowed
B. Married/partnered.

Ok, so as a single, never been married woman, I am put into the same category as widows and divorcees? So, the only reason to be single is a perceived negative connotation? No offense to those who have gone through a divorce or who are widows. I can't pretend to know what it is like to go through that, but why not have answers like,
A. Single and Happy
B. Single and Looking
C. Married and Happy
D. Married and Looking
E. Partnered and Happy
F. Partnered and Looking
G. It's complicated :)
It adds a little more zest, don't you think?

Ok, I realize I'm projecting my own stuff on the survey....but.....

There is a question that says,
How much time do you spend with your children?
A. Never
B. Rarely
C. Weekly
D. Daily

There was NOT a "Does not apply" answer, so I had to put Never since I don't have kids. It assumes I have kids even if I answered three previous questions about kids, "Do you have them? Do you want them? If you had them, would you want a flexible work arrangement?"

Just some thoughts.....

Light-Headed

There are so many "heavy" things on my mind. The economy, unhealed relationships, difficult conversations with loved ones, not getting rewarded for a job well done. I was talking with a friend today and we were discussing how it takes SO MUCH more energy to be in a negative, heavy place than it does to be happy and light.

It's time to be light-headed and proud of it! Enjoy the lightness that can be around us. I choose to celebrate this week versus worry. I choose to believe that I am couragous and I am.

What are you light-headed about?

Fear of the Journey

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented?’ Actually, ‘Who are you not to be?’…Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do…And as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

--A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson

When I saw this quote, it resonated with what I am feeling right now. I’ve spent my life learning that It’s much better to be humble about my accomplishments than to share them. I don’t think anyone ever told me that in those words, but I learned it from somewhere. I think it means that I am not sharing my best talents with the world. When I read the definition of ‘humble,’ I realize that as I am growing my business as a coach, this ‘humbleness’ is getting in the way. If I think of my gifts as being ‘low in rank, importance, and quality’ that others will not take me seriously. To market myself from a place of strength would be to believe that I am “brilliant, gorgeous, and talented” and that I can accomplish anything is new territory for me. The cost for me is that I have been stuck. Saying that I want to accomplish my dreams, but showing the world that those dreams are ‘insignificant.’ I now begin to understand what it means to hold myself as an offer versus an apology.


Humble
adjective
1. not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.
3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.
4. courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.
5. low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.

–verb (used with object) 6. to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase.
7. to destroy the independence, power, or will of.
8. to make meek: to humble one's heart.

The Journey Within

The question of “Where does courage reside in me?” has been on my mind a lot this week.

Definition (Dictionary.com):
The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
To act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.

I think of courage a little bit differently. It is to face the difficulty in spite of fear not in the absence of fear. I don’t think you can have courage without fear. It’s knowing the fear and leaning into it to take action. I think it means standing up for what you believe in and being grounded in that belief and body

I seem to be very in touch with my fears and assessments (grounded or ungrounded) about them:
1. Failure (I did all the "right" things and it was still screwed up. )
2. Success (No one stays at the top for long. When does the other shoe drop?)
3. Loneliness (I'm not good enough)
4. Conflict (It only causes bad feelings and broken relationships)

When have I been courageous?

I remember when I first moved away from home after college in 1997. I didn't know if I would succeed or fail and it didn't matter then. I just wanted to do something different. The world seemed wide open and I just wanted to find a job that would pay my bills. I was scared of the unknown, but not enough to stay put.

I studied in Australia for a Semester in 1994 and flew across the world by myself. A small part of me was scared, but a majority of me was looking forward to the adventure and all the new people I would meet and all of the new places I would visit. I didn't dwell on the fear, but embraced the adventure. That semester, I also went bungee jumping, rock climbing, surfing, snorkeling with sharks, and scuba diving.

Were those experiences exhibiting courage or dare devil behavior? Does it matter? Does there need to be a little bit of naivete to be courageous? There is an advantage to not knowing then what I know now. The thoughts of "You will be sorry if you do this?" never entered my mind in either case because I had nothing to lose. When you start with nothing you have nothing to lose.

What is holding me back now from starting my own business are my fears that I won't be able to pay my bills, I could lose my house, I won't be able to afford health insurance, and I could neglect my friendships because of all of the work it will take to start up. I'm also afraid that by making coaching my job or profession that it means it won't be fun anymore. How do I put that fear aside long enough to ground those assessments and feel confident that I can do it in spite of myself?

Have Horse will Travel!

I recently attended a leadership workshop that my friends Natalie and Brian gave that incorporated horses in the activities. We didn't ride the horses or train the horses. On the contrary, we learned more from them than I think they learned from us.

Growing up I wanted a horse like most young girls do. My mom decided to help me understand the responsibility of owning a horse, she would send me to a week long day camp where they taught us how to take care of them and ride them. Well, at age 12, that solved it. I didn't ask for a horse again. Have you ever tried to change a horseshoe?

It wasn't until a few months ago and befriending Natalie and Brian, that I started being curious about horses again. I connected with one horse in particular. It was unexplainable, but I got the feeling that he understood me. As I write this, I'm thinking that it sounds like an awkward scene in a movie, "You understand (or complete) me."

We spent time observing ourselves and the horses and experienced what it was like to lead with intuition and positive energy. For the first time, I appreciated those unexplainable gut feelings and the power that those can have on leadership. I was able to lead a horse around a corral without touching him, forcing him, or moving out of one spot. How is that possible? By requesting that the horse follow, asking others to follow an action that seems arbitrary, and my willingness to trust my gut feeling and having the confidence to voice it to other people.

I had a group of people walk in a single file line around the ring and ignoring the horse. As they passed the horse, the horse got in the middle of the line and walked with the group across a low jump obstacle. It was so amazing that I don't even believe it happened.

It brought the question to my mind, "How many times do I hold myself back because I don't trust my intuition?"

Transformation happens

What were your first messages about trust?



I was told that I shouldn't talk with or trust strangers. It was ok to trust people in my family and immediate community. Trust is very fragile and if I wanted freedom as a teenager, I needed to be trustworthy. What I wasn't told was what do I do if someone in my family or immediate community viloated trust. Then, who do I trust? "I can't talk to strangers," but they will always be strangers if I don't talk to them.


Over the weekend, we talked about this very subject at my coaching conference. What was also amazing to me was the disussion about cultural discourse and trust. Aside from my parents, what messages did I receive about trust from my religion, my geographical location, from my community? I always thought that trust was universal. That either you trust someone or you don't or they trust you or they don't. I am finding that it just isn't that simple.

There is more to the onion that the first layer.

Was that really me?

A few years ago, I was asked to sing in a co-workers wedding. I was shocked that she asked me and excited at the opportunity to sing. I have sung in church choirs and choruses in my adult years, but never had any formal training. The bride had heard me sing with my guitar a few times, but never what I view as wedding songs. Oh, and by the way, she wanted me to either sing Schubert's Ave Maria or The Lord's Prayer-not easy songs to start with.

So, I told her that I wanted to hire a voice coach and practice those songs and that I would get back to her about how comfortable I was singing in her wedding.

The first session with the voice coach was all about my breathing. She had me look in the mirror and observe my face and mouth and breathe differently. We only sang a little bit.

The second session, we got into Ave Maria. At times she would sing with me to keep me on tempo. At one point, I was in the middle of the song and heard a different voice. I assumed that she was singing with me again, so I stopped to hear what I needed to correct.

When I stopped she said, "Why did you stop? That was sounding beautiful." I said, "Weren't you singing along with me?" It turns out that she was not singing along at all and that other voice I thought I heard was actually my own. I was shocked! Was that really me?! I never knew I had that voice.

Needless to say, I sang in that wedding and three other weddings after that. I am still on the journey of finding my voice. With practice, I have discovered other tones and brilliant sounds.

How have you found your "voice?"

Where do I go now?

I'm finishing up my coaching program and I know that this is what I want to do with my next career. I have learned so much about myself and am continuing to learn with each client.

How do we know we have achieved success in something? What are my conditions of satisfaction for success?

I believe that I have only noticed my achievements by looking back to written communication I authored, pictures, recordings, and anything else that captured the moment I was in at that time. I am inconsistent at best with writing in my journal or on this blog which goes back to that question. Part of that comes from the fact that I only want to write when I think I have something important to say. Some of my journals end up having multiple entries that are the same. What I deem important is variety, I guess. "If it doesn't have variety then it isn't worth mentioning."

How do I know how much I've learned or grown without writing down thoughts throughout the journey?

Some of the best trips that I've taken, I have written travel journals throughout the trip and it stays alive with me for years afterwards. I remember little details because of those entries. Pictures help, too. Although, I don't always remember the buildings names or where the scenery is actually located without writing it down.

I keep receiving feedback about being more consistent. I enjoy that variety so much that I forget or don't learn how to be consistent in my actions and words. It's served me well in many domains of my life. How can I be more consistent without being boring?

Emotions

I've been knee deep in my coaching certification and came across the following from one of my classmates:

When thinking changes your mind, that's philosophy.

When God changes your mind, that's faith.

When facts change your mind, that's science.

WHAT HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND ABOUT? WHY?
http://edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html

I've changed my mind about emotions. I've always viewed emotion as a bad thing. Something that should be suppressed. Every time tears welled up, I hated it. I would always say to myself, "What are you doing? This is stupid. Why are you crying? But I wouldn't wait to even hear my answer to these questions. It could be from my upbringing; My father is German/Scottish descent. My mother is Scotch/Irish descent. Those cultures by nature do not show much emotion outwardly compared to other cultures--maybe it has something to do with the cold environment of those countries. Who knows?!
Through my journey this past year, I've changed my mind and now am on the journey to embrace my emotions (all of them) and learn from them instead of suppressing them. It doesn't serve anyone else and it doesn't serve me.
The question that I ask is, "Why does the American Society, that I'm familiar with, want us to suppress our emotions? It's almost like society says, emotions aren't rational, which is true, but they go further to say that only rational things are important.

If emotions are catalysts for action and we don't value emotions, then does that mean that we don't take action or we take action only if it's rational?

What impact does that have on the decisions that we make for action? What impact does that have on our gut feeling about things?